It’s the moment you have dreaded all along. You’ve had a feeling for months, maybe even years, that something was not quite right. But, you never wanted to believe it. Then one day, you find the proof that you couldn’t deny any longer. Your partner has been cheating on you. The pain and shock that you feel shoot through your body at that moment, and you become instantly flooded and overwhelmed. You can’t even corral those emotions that are flooding your system. “Numbness” settles into your body and you notice the “numbness” at different times. It can even turn to rage making you want to strike out. You begin “sobbing” often, and, you fear that the tears will never stop. Then you realize that you are becoming obsessed with your thinking, finding yourself compulsively looking for answers about your partner’s lying and cheating. Your body feels so constricted that you don’t know what to do or where to turn. Your emotions are all over the place; up and down, like a “roller coaster”. In this blog post, we will discuss beginning ways to handle the pain of discovery of your partner’s infidelity and discrepancies. Here are some things to consider.
Let yourself know that you were betrayed.
This sounds like a funny statement but we get so consumed with emotions, we feel like we are all wrong for feeling betrayed. So, the first thing to recognize is that you have been betrayed and it’s okay to feel betrayed. It is not uncommon for people to want to push painful truths away because the wound is too deep and painful to the core. It is not uncommon that people begin to believe that they did something to cause this betrayal. Remember, you are not the one who broke the relationship commitment that the two of you agreed upon. The betrayed feeling is a natural response. The trust that you felt you had has been violated by someone whom you loved. Yet, the painful emotions are so deep in the core, that naturally, you react feverishly trying to find ways to rid the pain and have it erased. People can easily get locked into seeing things very narrowly, thinking and fearing that the mental and physical pain will never end. It can be a hard pill to swallow and the shock can leave you feeling deceived and deeply hurt. But trying to accept that you have been betrayed and that it is normal to have extreme emotional responses is the beginning of your healing journey.
Make time and space for yourself
The next step is to take some time for yourself after the discovery. The trauma of the discovery just threw you off your axis. With flooded emotions coming at you, it is hard to feel like you can gain any traction to move forward. In addition, the lost feeling you feel surfaces, keeping you feeling stuck in place. Fear and anxiety take over you. These symptoms are not only distressing but, if there for a long period, they can affect you physically and mentally, spilling into your relationships with family, friends, and even your work and home productivity. Now is the time to make space for you. Start by taking some time out from the relationship to reflect on your emotions, to gain clarity on how you want things to move forward. You are important and deserve this time for you. Practice self-care through activities that help reduce stress. It is ok to declare that you need space to heal. This is not the time to decide whether or not you should or should not stay in the relationship. You don’t want to make a decision that you may regret ten or more months from now when you have more clarity and your emotions have de-escalated. Your well-being is what is important and you have the right to make sure that you work on your healing journey. By allowing yourself to have time, and space to process things without chaos, and making sure that you engage in self-care, you gain energy, clarity, and better focus to make decisions and begin healing as you learn more.
Some ways to care for yourself are:
Go to your family physician and get a good physical exam.
*Safely process your emotions by journaling and getting the emotions outside of you and just keeping the emotions inside
*stay connected with people and do not allow shame and guilt to dictate and keep you feeling worse by excessive isolation.
*Join an in-person or online community support group, such as COSA, S-ANON, and Celebrate recovery.
*Meet with a therapist who understands betrayal trauma. Perhaps the therapist also has a therapeutic group that would be beneficial for you.
*Get moving. Take walks, join a gentle yoga class, go to the gym to work out, and burn off the stress you are holding. Taking a head break will take you farther along.
*Take 30 minutes of quiet time to meditate, restore the body, and help regulate your nervous system. You deserve this. (See my blog on meditation).
*Try to get focused on a hobby that you enjoy and get a head break
*If you are not coping well, to the point of not functioning, do not hesitate to see your
physician. You may need medication to help you through. Remember, you are not a crazy
person. You are just trying to get off the “crazy train”.
Prioritizing your self-care will be the best decision for you to make so you
can reclaim yourself. Remember, this takes time and you can do this.
Slow Down and Identify Goals for Yourself
It is normal to go through a period of questioning whether or not what you thought you had
with your partner was real. You may find yourself” feeling regretful for being in the
relationship and your inner self-critic is in your ear full force telling you that you were
“stupid” for getting into the relationship in the first place and that it was your fault for not
seeing the truth you felt was right in front of you. You may even be wondering if you
should or should not be sexually intimate with your partner and not sure of how to approach
anything. If you truly do not feel like you want to be intimate you have every right to say no.
This is the time to slow down. You do not have to have all the answers at once. This is a
processing stage for you to discover how you are going to proceed; with yourself first. During
the evaluation time, begin to set some goals for yourself. Goals are designed to give you
direction and a place to begin to have some purposeful grounding so you feel safe and
comfortable.
Goals that you may consider are:
Take time for mental and physical self-care. Try not to put yourself last.
Take time to journal and put your emotions on paper so you can unburden some of the
inner emotions you are carrying.
Seek out legal advice for future planning knowing that you are not ready to act on things
at this time. Remember, no big decisions until you gain more clarity. But knowledge is “king”.
Educate yourself on the effects of betrayal. There are plenty of books that help you
to work through your experiences. One recommendation is the book by Stephanie
Carnes, Facing Heartbreak. It is in a workbook form that you can read and reflect on at your own pace. Take the time to work through the workbook even though it may seem
daunting at times. If you find it too hard to focus, set a timer for short increments of
30 minutes or less to read and write your reflections. (Start slow until you get there)
Create a list of nonnegotiable boundaries. This may be done on your own or seek out a professional to help to get you there. Some non-negotiable boundaries may include:
1). That you require that your partner seek help for him/herself.
2). You require that all ties are severed with the person or people he/she was seeing.
3). Perhaps you need transparency, so, you need to be able to see phone messages because
your emotional safety is at risk, now that the betrayal has surfaced. You may need to let your
partner know that you need access to their phone when you feel the need to review it for
you to be able to begin to build trust again.
4). You may need to let your partner know that you cannot tolerate any pornography viewing
and will need to have computer controls on his/her device to help with your emotional safety.
5) You may even need to sleep in separate beds for a designated amount of time until you
feel emotionally safer.
Remember, you are trying to heal and not feel the painful emotional chaos that you are
experiencing. Creating a list of nonnegotiable boundaries is not an easy process and
should take time and thought. It is encouraged to work with a therapist if you find yourself
feeling unsure of how to proceed with goal setting.
By following these steps and taking care of yourself emotionally during difficult times, you can start to mend the broken pieces and look toward a brighter future ahead. As painful as it may be in the moment, know that you are not alone and there is help available when dealing with the devastation of finding out your partner has been unfaithful. This pain is not going to last forever.
Keep in mind that this blog is to help you to begin your healing journey. It does not give all of the
answers on how to proceed. But, it can help you to begin to look outside the pain so you can function and begin to make the best choices possible while on your recovery journey of healing.
Yes, this is a painful experience. But, it can also be the beginning of your self-empowerment of the gifts you hold inside of you that you did not know that you had. Remember, you are worth it!
