It can be a heartbreaking disappointment to find your spouse has betrayed you. When your partner has an affair, it can come as a shock that this person disrespected your trust and went behind your back. Your partner may be very quick to want to make up with you. They may not want to lose a relationship with you. However, you need to tread carefully, honor your emotions, needs, and your own mental health too.
After discovering your partner’s betrayal, you may be looking at your partner in a new light. This is normal and disorienting. While you may want the relationship healed, It’s okay to take carve out space to think. After all, you do not want to say something to your partner in anger that you regret later. Healthy boundaries will provide a sense of safety and security. Once you accomplish some breathing room, you will determine where the relationship stands for you.
Not sure how to get started? Consider, below, how to identify and apply your personal boundaries to your relationship after betrayal.
Take a Timeout
Your partner needs to understand that this betrayal has changed the relationship between the two of you. The trust you had in your partner is broken. Taking strategic timeouts can be good for you whenever you need some time alone to process your conversations and interactions.
This isn’t a call to leave important discussions unresolved. Instead, let your partner know how long your timeouts are going to be and what you will do during this timeout. It can be things like taking the time to vent your feelings in a journal. You can also go for a walk to clear your thoughts. Whatever it is, make sure this timeout gives you the space you need to think things over and that your partner knows you’ll return to keep communicating.
Temporary Separation
Have a conversation with your partner about whether taking some time apart is required. See which one of you will temporarily find another place to stay and where. This may be what you need to do to decide if you both are better off alone or if you miss each other enough to work things out.
Deal Directly the Betrayal
Not talking about how your partner betrayed you will not make the problem go away. You two need to talk about it. It is just a matter of what aspects to talk about and when.
You and your partner should set aside some alone time to talk about the betrayal. You can write down some questions to better prepare yourself for what to ask your partner. This will help decrease conflict in the relationship and avoid tip-toeing around each other.
Determine Existing Boundaries
Another thing that you and your partner should talk about is what boundaries should exist between you. The healing process cannot happen if the old, crossed boundaries remain unaddressed.
You and your partner must set practical and relational limits. Talk about how often you should communicate verbally and electronically. You can also talk about what physical contact you are comfortable with going forward. If infidelity is involved, articulate clear limits with your partner, particularly if they plan on having any contact with the affair partner.
Practice Self-Care
As heartbreaking as this betrayal has been on you, pleases recognize that you still need to take care of yourself. No relationship should make you feel like your care should ever take a backseat.
Make sure you eat well-balanced meals with plenty of water. Get plenty of rest throughout the night. Lean on a trusted friend or family member about what you are going through, but only share what makes you feel comfortable.
Are you interested in learning more about placing boundaries in a relationship after betrayal? If so, please read more about infidelity counseling and contact me for a free consultation.
